Can I Bed Share AND Sleep Train?
DISCLAIMER* this is in no way me stating what my personal stance is on bed sharing ***HINT HINT - it’s YOU. DO. YOU.***
Bed sharing, or co-sleeping, is a HOT topic! And I know that most people usually have a stance on it, either thinking it’s completely wrong to do, or totally the best call for a family.
When I meet a new client who has been bed sharing, they fall into one of two groups.
Parents who did not plan to bring their kids into their bed in the first place and are now looking to get the kids out of their bed.
Parents who committed to bed sharing as a lifestyle and want to keep their kids in their bed, but want them to sleep better.
I’m not going to sugar-coat it here – so I’ll just tell you straight out that in my opinion, no, you cannot bed share and sleep train. We’ll get into the details, but for those of you who just want a “yes or no” answer, I thought I’d give it to you without a bunch of a preamble.
Why do I think that sleep training and bed sharing are mutually exclusive?
For the parents in the first group, wanting to get their little ones out of their bed, I’ve got a variety of approaches up my sleeve which I personalize based on baby’s personality, temperament, and established sleep habits.
For the parents in the second group, however, I’ve only got one approach – and it’s that I’m happy to help when the family is ready to move their little one into their own bed.
Now, I’m not a tyrant or anything. My reasoning is simply because I don’t want to confuse the child.
Every child is different in what their sleep prop is, though in a bed sharing situation, it typically is the breast. Sometimes, however, it can simply be the actual parent who is the sleep prop. Regardless, baby usually has access to their prop whenever they want it. They wake up in the night after completing a sleep cycle and will instinctively go for the breast or to the parent. (And if it’s the breast, it’s not necessarily because they are hungry.) This is just the only way they know how to get to sleep.
And you know, grown-ups do the same thing. (Well, obviously not the exact same thing or else your husband would be banished to the couch within a week ;) !) But we also have routines and strategies that we use to get to sleep when we wake in the night. They’re usually very brief and simple, like turning onto our back, taking a sip of water, flipping the pillow, or wrapping our blankets around us. These are our sleep skills, just like nursing or cuddling up against you may be a baby’s.
So if you’re going to break the association that baby currently has between parent/nursing and falling asleep, (which you have to do if you want your baby to sleep through the night without waking you up!!), then baby absolutely HAS got to learn a new skill – one that does not involve you. And that’s not going to be easy when their favorite method of falling asleep is literally right in front of their face all night.
If you’re determined to stay in close proximity to your baby while they are sleeping, try room-sharing instead. But with bed-sharing, there is just no good way to teach a baby self-soothing skills when they sleeping right next to you.
One final thought on this topic before I sign off. I’ve seen a lot of people on Facebook, and other social media channels, saying things like, “They’ll leave your room/bed when they’re ready! Don’t rush them! This time is so short! Enjoy your time with them while it lasts. Nobody sleeps in their parents’ bed when they’re 18!”
I have to say, it irks me so much to read that. I mean, if you’re happy with the arrangement you’ve got, I’m not here to change your approach. But I would like to point out that I’ve seen families with kids up to eight (!) years old who are still sleeping in their parents’ beds. Don’t assume that your little one will get finished with brushing their teeth one night and say, “Actually, I think I’ll go sleep on my own tonight.”
Sleep habits die hard, especially with kids, so the day your child sleeps in their own bed, in their own room, is probably the day you tell them they have to.
And besides for that, there’s just no way a child can learn healthy sleep skills (that will stay with them for the rest of their life!) if you don’t push them to do so.
The good news is once your child has moved into their own bed and learned some independent sleep skills, they will typically sleep much better, more soundly, and for longer than they do in your bed.
And so will you and your partner, which means the whole family will be rested and refreshed in the morning, which comes with a whole collection of mental and physical benefits.