Eight Tips for Easing Separation Anxiety
Raising kids is a HUGE responsibility, and in this age with social media and easy access to information about anything and everything, parents often get easily overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and inadequacy. And as a sleep consultant, I see this all the time from parents whose babies are not sleeping well.
One of the major contributors to the “I’m doing something wrong,” feeling is separation anxiety – that challenging part of a child’s life when they start to completely flip their lids whenever Mom isn’t around.
The thought process, it would appear, is one of…
Mom isn’t in the room
Therefore, mom is somewhere else
I would prefer to be there with her
Make that happen or I will unleash all my fury at you
And that ends up leaving us as parents to wonder - “What am I doing wrong?”
After all, a well-adjusted child should probably feel reasonably safe when separated from their parents for a little while - right? I mean, you’ll see all over the Mom groups on Facebook that Karen can leave her baby perfectly content with her sitter, even overnight. And Beth said her baby can happily play by themselves on the floor for hours at a time. So what gives?
Well, here’s 2 things to keep in mind.
First, never compare yourself, or your child, to the mothers and babies described in the parenting groups on social media. Much like everything else on Facebook and Instagram, these experiences are almost always conveyed through the rosiest of lenses.
And second, separation anxiety is completely normal, expected, and a sign of a healthy attachment between parent and child.
So what is it exactly?
Separation anxiety typically starts to occur around 6-8 months of age, when your little one starts to realize that things continue to exist, even when not in sight. It’s a cognitive milestone known as “object permanence” which is defined as “the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be observed.”
In other words, out of sight no longer means out of mind.
As your baby begins to grasp this concept, they realize that if you, their favorite person in the whole world, are not there, you’re elsewhere. And, wait a minute, helllloooo, maybe that means you’re not coming back.
It’s kind of fascinating when you think about it, but also heartbreaking. This realization, for a baby, is obviously cause for a full-blown panic attack. The thought of a parent leaving and not returning can cause anxiety in most grown-ups, so you can hardly expect an infant to take it with class.
So, that’s what happens in your little one’s brain when they suddenly start having a fit every time you leave the room. It’s normal. It’s natural. And it’s a sign that your baby is learning, and that they have a secure attachment to their parent. Isn’t that awesome?!
But as many of us know, it also means that leaving them with a sitter or dropping them off at daycare, or even leaving the room for a few minutes to use the bathroom alone (honestly, how dare you even dream about that?!) — well all of that will basically be a horror show.
And so, onto what everyone really wants to know — “How do I prevent this?”
Well, the truth is, you probably wouldn’t want to even if you could. I mean, really, would you be just a little devastated if you left your child with a stranger and they were just completely okay with it? (Side story, my daughter started daycare recently, and for the first few weeks would cry and cling to me in the mornings. But now, she’s used to it and she walks right in without even looking back at me to say bye or anything. It’s really heartbreaking. I feel like I was used.)
I think it’s safe to say we obviously want a happy medium. So if you’re struggling with a child pitching a fit every time you try to run an errand or head out for date night - here are some suggestions to take the edge off until this phase runs its course.
Lead by Example. Your baby follows your cues, so if you’re not willing to let her out of your sight, they probably (though likely unconsciously) feel like they’re not safe if you’re not in the room. So designate a room where they can explore a little and play without your direct supervision. It’s a small adjustment, but it has a tremendous effect.
Don’t Avoid It. Learning about separation and reunion is an important milestone, so don’t just take the path of least resistance and stay with your child 24/7 until they’re off to school. Let them know it’s okay for them to get upset when you leave and reassure them you’ll always come back upon your return. If there are some tears around it, that’s alright. This is an important concept that they need to get on board with.
Start Slow. Once your little one has started to demonstrate the understanding that they’ll be spending some time with someone besides a parent, make it a short outing. Don’t plan on dinner and a movie or an overnighter for the first few attempts. (Speaking from experience with my daughter who was attached to my hip and one of the first few times I left her was to go to a wedding an hour away – both my daughter and my mom felt tortured!)
Start with Someone Familiar. Kids typically do a little better being left with a grandparent or family friend who they’ve already spent some time with, and who they’ve grown to trust a little. So call in a favor if you must and plan to spend at least an hour away from the house on the first few attempts.
Stick Around for a While After your sitter, parent, friend, or whoever arrives, plan to hang out for a half hour or so. Seeing that this is someone you’re familiar with will go a long way in reassuring your child that they’re “good people” and worthy of their trust.
Face the Music. Many of us have, at least once, attempted to distract our toddlers and then sneak out the door without saying goodbye. After all, it’s the goodbye that provokes the reaction, right? But even if it provokes some tears, it’s important for your child to understand that you’re going to leave sometimes, and that you’ll be back when you say you will.
Establish a Routine. Much like bedtime, a solid, predictable goodbye routine helps your little one recognize and accept the situation. A set number of kisses and hugs, a memorable key phrase, and a clear indication of when you’ll be back should be just the right balance of short and reassuring.
Speak in Terms They’ll Understand. Instead of telling them how long you’ll be gone for, tell them when you’ll be back in regards to their schedule. After nap time, before bed, after dinner, before bath time, and so on.
Nothing is going to prevent your child from getting a little bit upset when you leave, but you can try to keep the fuss to a minimum.
Now I should add here that these techniques are suggested for kids who are dealing with ordinary, everyday separation anxiety. There is also a condition called Separation Anxiety Disorder which is obviously more serious and warrants a trip to the pediatrician if you suspect it.
But for the regular upset that happens because you’re leaving – well, these tips should go a long way in helping to remedy the situation. Be consistent, supportive, assertive and calm. And before long, your child will understand the concept of you leaving and coming back!