Tip for Sleepovers at the Grandparents
“What are you looking forward to?”
This is usually one of the questions I ask parents when I start working with them. I want them to visualize what life could be like in just a few short weeks when their baby is sleeping soundly through the night and taking long, rejuvenative naps.
For most parents, the answer is right there in the question. They just want their baby to get the sleep they need to be happy and healthy, and, obviously, they want the same for themselves. They’re usually short-sighted - which isn’t a bad thing.
It’s pretty hard to think past that benefit.
But once it’s attained, parents usually start to discover that a well-rested baby can bring along some other unexpected benefits.
And chief among them is the ability to leave baby overnight with the grandparents (or at anyone else’s house).
There’s something absolutely magical about sleepovers. Spending the night somewhere outside of your home has a very intimate quality to it. Whether you’re a young kid spending the night at a friend’s house, the first time you and your partner sleep in the same bed, or the first time you stay in a hotel on your own, sleeping somewhere forges an emotional connection, and for grandparents, having their grandchild sleep in their home is beyond special. It’s a reminder of their days as new parents, a living, breathing testament to the family they’ve built together, and a chance to just wrap themselves up in all of that family love that’s so totally saturating when there’s a baby in the house.
But Mom and Dad don’t care about that. For them, it’s an opportunity to go on a date night, a vacation, or even just a morning-free-of-baby vacation (don’t we all want to just be able to sleep in!).
Ok, so that’s the goal, but now we have to do some groundwork to get to that point. Stage one, coaching your baby, has been successfully completed. Stage two, coaching your parents, can now commence.
So some grandparents are going to be completely awesome at complying with whatever you tell them to do. But not all of them. Some grandparents know what they’re doing - you turned out great after all.
It can end up being a bit of a balancing act to insist that your parents respect your little one’s schedules and sleeping arrangements while still respecting their role as experienced and awesome caregivers. So here are some tips on how to do that so the whole family can benefit.
Respect Your Elders
Remember that these people are not rookies! They’ve been through everything you’re going through now, so you can’t exactly treat them like your teenage babysitter. And besides, remember that they are doing YOU the favor.
Be Authentic
Sometimes, we like to make everyone believe we’ve got it all under control at all times, even with our own parents. But don’t be shy to let them know how difficult it was to function when your baby was waking up every hour at night and how hard you worked to remedy the situation. Understanding the emotional investment you’ve put into solving your little one’s sleep can help them feel more committed to the cause.
Explain the Incentives
Grandparents CRAVE interaction with their grandkids. Everyone loves smiles and giggles and crawling or walking and talking little ones, but grandparent’s seem to go even crazier for it. As such, they tend to want to keep baby awake for longer than recommended. (This is especially true with newborns, who can typically only handle 45-60 minutes of awake time before needing to go back down for a nap.)
My best approach here is to explain the “long game” incentive of keeping baby on their schedule. In short, if every time you pick baby up from their place, they’re cranky and overtired, you’re going to be reluctant to leave them overnight. If, on the other hand, baby is happy and rested each time you pick them up, you’re going to hand that baby over like they’re a hot potato. (I couldn’t resist that corny little joke lol.) The long game here being more time spent with baby overall.
Share Your Experience
Conversely, you could go with the “short game” approach…
If you’ve already got your baby sleeping well at night and napping well during the day, then you know what a difference it makes to their personality. Parenting can be exponentially more enjoyable when your little one is basically always in a good mood. It may sound crazy, but at least for me, I just liked being around my baby so much more. So make sure you let your parents know how much more enjoyable their whole day and night with their grandchild will be if they just adhere to the schedule. Laying down the law and making ultimatums around bedtime and nap schedules is much less effective than appealing to their caring, nurturing tendencies.
Make It as Easy as Possible
The last thing anyone wants is for someone to come into their home and start dictating all the problems that are there and what needs to be changed. So while your parents may accommodate you a little, YOU need to make sure all the physical elements are present.
I am most specifically referring to the sleep environment (though this does also apply to anything else baby needs for sleep – toothbrush, favorite lovey/blanket, sleep sack, etc). If your parents don’t have a crib or a pack n play, provide it. Don’t forget the white noise machine. And if there is no blacked out room, make it happen in the least inconvenient way possible. My advice here is to either go with the slumberpod (use code DREAMBABYDREAMERS10 for a discount) or blackoutEZ (which you can put up and take down each time you come).
One last thing before I’d like to mention here because I think it’s super important, there’s a good chance your parents might end up being guilty of a wee bit of sabotage. If baby wakes up at night and cries, for example, they might respond immediately and feed them back to sleep. Or they might allow your toddler to sleep in their bed with them. They may hold them and rock them to sleep at bedtime. And they may even disregard baby’s sleep schedule entirely, leaving you with an overtired baby.
That can cause some serious anxiety for a parent who’s invested a whole lot of time, effort, and emotional capital into breaking those sleep associations. However, I want to reassure you that there’s typically no need to panic and call off any future sleepovers. Babies, even newborns, are surprisingly adept at recognizing different sleeping environments and understanding the rules in them, so just because they get rocked to sleep at grandma’s place doesn’t mean that they’re going to revert back to that expectation when you get them home. If they’ve developed some strong independent sleep skills, they’ll be back to normal pretty much immediately. And if your baby did lose out on sleep while there, you can always course correct over the next few days to make up for it.
So don’t lose your mind if your mom tells you she let baby fall asleep on her chest, or the naps were shorter or skipped. A gentle suggestion that she not do it all the time, combined with the concession that you know how hard it is to resist a baby falling asleep on you, should be all that’s needed.