Getting Your Partner Involved
At the risk of making a pretty big generalization here – in my experience, there is usually 1 parent who handles the bulk of nighttime responsibilities; and that parent is almost always MOM.
Now, before you go accusing me of sexism or stereotyping…I’d just like to point out that this has been MY experience.
Remember that I am usually contacted by parents who are having issues getting their babies to sleep, and that’s almost always because baby has an external sleep prop that they use to get to sleep in the beginning of the night, or when they wake throughout the night.
The most common props I see do happen to be nursing to sleep (which pretty much leaves Dad out of the equation), bottles, rocking, and needing someone to be in the room.
Truthfully, regardless of what the prop is, in most of the families I’ve worked with, it’s Mom who goes in at bedtime and/or nighttime to put baby to sleep. And the reason for why that is isn’t the topic of discussion here.
What I want to talk about here is that if you’ve made the decision to sleep train, it can often go better if Dad takes the lead.
Does that surprise you?
Since Dad is not typically the one involved in putting baby to sleep, breaking the association between __[prop]__ and falling asleep tends to occur much quicker, and baby tends to respond faster when Dad is the one doing the sleep training.
The funny thing is, whenever I share this with parents during our discovery call or consultation call, the moms usually get a little excited because this is one burden off their shoulders, especially if their partner is willing to participate. But then, night one is here, and as soon as baby starts to cry, Mom shoots out of bed and goes straight to the baby. Or, what happens even more often than that, Mom is in the doorway instructing Dad on the “right” way to do things.
I was actually that mom when we were sleep training Asher. I couldn’t handle being in the room hearing him cry, but Simcha (my husband) couldn’t possibly do it right! (Boy was I obviously wrong!)
Here’s the thing though – if Dad is going to be involved, he and baby have to find their own rhythm. And Mom needs to have no part in it.
The hardest part may in fact be giving up the need to control (I know it 100% is for me). This doesn’t only apply for sleep by the way – the way you parent, the way you play with your child, even the way you feed them may be different, but in order for dads to be involved, and to get into a good groove with it, moms need to learn to back off. (As an aside, this whole paragraph is me talking to myself… and you’re just listening!)
So remember, Dad might just the easier solution to your baby’s sleep issues, but mom- you’re going to have to let him take over.
Take heart in the fact that it is a temporary releasing of the reigns – you’ll see dramatic improvements in just a few nights, so you won’t have to control yourself for that long ;)
And if it’s not possible for dad to participate for whatever reason (maybe he’s at work, or maybe he’s the more sensitive parent who will be more likely to break down and give in to baby), have no fear – sleep training is still possible!