Removing Yourself From Baby’s Sleep Routine

This is, perhaps, one of my more misleading titles…

Now, I’m not suggesting that you can remove yourself from your child’s bedtime routine completely. Even if you could somehow say to them, “It’s almost bedtime – go take a bath, brush your teeth, change into your pajamas, and tuck yourself in… I’ll be out here if you need me.” – I don’t know if any parent would actually want this. Well, every once in a while, it might be nice ;)

The truth is, I actually enjoy putting my son to bed. I enjoy watching him play in the bathtub, getting him dressed, cuddling while reading bedtime stories, and all the hugs, kisses, and laughs I get in between. At this point in his life, I may spend all day with him, but I wouldn’t trade that time with him for anything – especially because I know he’ll go down without a fuss.

The issue I see with most parents who struggle with their baby’s sleep is what takes place after the bedtime routine is over and they’re put into bed. Specifically, the problem stems from a parent either getting into bed with their child, or needing to stay by their child’s side in order to get them to fall asleep.

And here’s why that’s the problem.

When you are involved in the self-soothing process that occurs just before your child puts themselves to sleep (whether it’s through cuddling, patting, physical presence, singing, etc), you little one begins to rely on that sensation in order to be able to soothe themselves.

The problem with this set-up is that babies, just like adults, don’t just fall asleep and stay asleep for eight or ten straight hours. We all sleep in cycles where we transition from a stage of light sleep to one of deep sleep, and back again – all throughout the night.

When an adult wakes from one of these cycles, there is typically no recollection of that waking the next morning. The reason for this is because the waking is very brief – usually not longer than 1-2 minutes before we zonk out again. We as adults know how to do that very easily because we’re good at it. We know how to put ourselves back to sleep.

But if a baby is used to falling asleep next to a parent, with the reassuring ability to reach out and touch that parent, then what are they supposed to do when they wake up after a sleep cycle and that parent is nowhere to be found?

Cry.

They will cry until a parent shows up and gets back into position. Now baby will recognize that cue, be able to self-soothe, and go back to sleep.

This is why parents will often say something along the lines of, “my baby will not go to sleep without me next to her.” It isn’t because baby needs reassurance or that your presence is calming, or whatever other reason you might think of – it’s simply just a part of the routine they follow to get to sleep.

Okay, so what’s the solution??

Well, you could just keep doing what you’re doing…

You could also co-sleep so that baby knows you’re there all throughout the night.

Or, and this suggestion comes with a bit of a stronger recommendation, you can let your little one learn independent sleep skills. This way, no matter what time of the night they wake up, they’ll be able to call upon those skills to get back to sleep.

Now, this might sound like a tall order. And you might think there’s no way your baby can figure it out. But I’m really not suggesting anything too challenging. You’ll be surprised at just how quickly they adapt to new strategies for getting to sleep.

And the best part is, you’ll be able to start enjoying the bedtime routine!