Keeping Your Toddler from Leaving Their Room

For many parents, getting their baby to sleep through the night is a life-changing event. Waking hourly throughout the night isn’t just an inconvenience, it’s exhausting. So by comparison, a toddler leaving the room may sound harmless, but if it happens often enough, it can be every bit as hard as constant night waking.

And toddlers can be extremely persistent when they’re trying to get their way.

I think the thing that makes this scenario trickier is that by this age, your little one has probably learned a few negotiating tactics. And I don’t mean this in a negative way at all – it’s just simple fact. Toddlers quickly learn how to manipulate people. It’s not because they’re malicious or conniving, it’s just human nature – we test behaviors and actions to see if they get us what we’re after. And when we find something that works, we tend to use it repeatedly.

So if asking for a glass of water gets mom back into the room, or asking to use the bathroom helps to satisfy your curiosity about what’s going on outside of your room after hours – you’re likely to use that same approach every time. That can be a soothing fact to keep in your mind when you’re walking your child back to their room for the fifteenth time since you sat down to watch your favorite show or are trying to enjoy a couple hours of alone time with your partner.

Now, bearing in mind that yelling is just going to upset everyone, and that giving in will only encourage more of the same behavior, how do we get a toddler to stay in their room without letting the situation escalate?

CONSEQUENCES. Consequences are the key.

I should start off here by saying that I think it’s only fair to always give one warning before implementing a consequence for unwanted behavior. If your child leaves the room, ask them why they’re not in bed. Assuming the answer isn’t because they’re not feeling well (which can often be a ruse, but should always be addressed and checked out nonetheless before calling it a ruse), then you can calmly but firmly tell them that they’re not allowed out of their room until morning. Walk them back to bed, say goodnight, give them a quick smooch, and let them know that there will be a consequence if they leave their room again.

Hopefully that does the trick. But more than likely, especially if this is a behavior that’s been going on for a while, it won’t.

When they show up again, saying they forgot to tell you something, or their water is too warm, or they can’t find their stuffed animal, it’s time to implement a consequence.

Now we get to the big questions – What’s the consequence? I’ve had a lot of parents tell me, “I know I need to discipline him somehow, but I don’t want it to be too upsetting.”

I totally get that line of thinking, but really, what is a consequence if it’s not something unpleasant? How is it ever going to dissuade unwanted behavior is it isn’t somehow disagreeable?

The simplest answer is – it won’t.

The trick here is to find a balance between something that your child doesn’t mind and something that really throws them into a tailspin, because we don’t want to traumatize anyone here. We’re just looking for something unpleasant enough to dissuade the behavior.

Understanding that every child is different and that nothing works for everyone, I do have a simple trick that I’ve found to be incredibly effective in this situation, and it’s as simple as closing the door.

In fact, that’s the trick.

Yep – close the bedroom door.

There’s something about having the bedroom door closed all the way until it latches that toddlers really seem to dislike. You don’t have to do it for long – just a minute for the first offence. Then bump it up by thirty seconds or so every time your toddler leaves their room that night.

Like I said, this is a form of consequence, and if your child doesn’t like it – well, that’s kind of the point. So if they cry a little, you’ll have to ride it out. If they try to open the door – you’e going to have to hold it closed. If they pitch a fit, let them. But don’t give in. If you do, all you’re teaching them is that they just need to hit the roof in order to get their way, and that’s going to make things significantly worse.

If your toddler already sleeps with their door closed, you can try taking away their lovey/stuffed animal/blanket in the same pattern I described above with the closing door technique. A minute on the first round, thirty seconds more if it happens again, and so on. Before too long, they should start to recognize the negative consequences of leaving their room, and they’ll stay in bed unless they have an actual issue.

That covers the night, but what about in the morning? No one wants a surprise visit from our little ones at 5 AM, asking if it’s morning yet. You can’t really hold it against them. Chances are they legitimately woke up and didn’t know if it was time to get out of bed or not.

If you have a few bucks to spare, you can get yourself an OK-to-Wake clock like this one, or a similar one from Amazon. There are tons of options, ranging anywhere from about $20-$50. There clocks shine a soft light that’s one color throughout the night, and another color when it’s time to get up. Just stay away from any that shine blue light as that does simulate sunlight (which can stimulate cortisol production and make it tougher to get back to sleep).

Or, if you want to save money, and your toddler knows their numbers, you can just get a digital clock. Put some tape over the minute, leaving just the hour, and tell them it’s not time to get up until they see the “magic seven” on the clock. Don’t set the alarm though. If they’re able to sleep past seven, you don’t want to jolt them awake with a loud beeping noise.

These are just a couple of options and they may not work with every toddler. You may have to try out a few different approaches before you find something that sticks, but what isn’t optional is consistency. You absolutely have to stick to your guns once you’ve given the warning. Your toddler may not know how to tie their shoes yet, but they can spot an empty threat a mile away. They’re gifted like that, and they don’t mind systematically testing the boundaries to see if the rules are still in place night after night.

Be patient.

Be calm.

But be firm and predictable.

Once they realize you’re not giving in, you’ll be free to break out the good snacks and turn on the TV without fear of being discovered ;)